speaking in tongues

mumble sweet nothings to me
in the language your father taught you
before he ran away from all he knew
i can’t ever understand you
but when you speak in foreign
tongues to me, your voice
softens like your grip when
you’ve exhausted yourself
and i feel your heart sink
into the sheets and unfold
like the silk your mother used 
to wear, when your lips translate
your tangled thoughts, the fluid-
sounding words flood the room and
whisk away the pain that clings to your 
bones, and that is when i see, in 
your eyes, the innocent boy
you used to be

fantasy-land

he told me fantasies come true sometimes
and that it’s a reason to be alive
but i don’t think so

i believe in hope
i believe in magic,
the kind that exists within the innocent
and the kind that adults find when they
escape their darkest places
but fantasies aren’t the same thing

fantasy (noun): imagination, especially when extravagant and unrestrained;
a hallucination

extravagant and unrestrained dreams 
may help you get through the tough times
but hallucinations make reality too dull
no matter how wonderful fantasies are
you cannot build a home there
you cannot have a life there
you cannot actually exist there
and neither can i

i’m sorry i intruded
i’m sorry i seduced you
i’m sorry i let you love me
but it’s time for us to wake up

my sweet

l.
the sea the span of a 
country away from me
kissed your toes and 
your cheeks turned red
—two decades passed
your spine twisted and 
your hands grew
but a long string of twine 
always connected me to you
i’ve seen you in my dreams 
for so many years
dancing with me and 
whispering in my ears

ll.
i’m slipping on my skates
but you’re holding my hand
you’re sinking in the water
but i’m carrying you to the sand
you’ve stolen away my sadness
and painted a smile on my face
i never want to be without you
in this god forsaken place

the walls are so thin here

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I know it is the dead souls over thousands of years
That brushes over me
It causes the flags to tumble and snap
And moves the snow off from the trees
It is a hell so unseen and frightfully clear
Offered in the sight of all things
Your heavy breathing in the air so near
Shows me how heaven is equally here

i wake up to bitterness        
everyday and imagine
what it’s like to die 
there’s lightning
behind my closed eyes        
i counted to 17
then 10                                
and then 4
all my mistakes                    
cling to my shoulders
and shove me into the fibers
of the fucking floor
i’m begging for an outstretched
hand but God is busy
i want to lock up my doubts
and my fears and my shame
with chains and hear them struggle
i’ll watch my dreams projected by
a satellite onto every building
and feel your wet face on my shoulder
trying desperately to understand
i could end my suffering with a war
because that’s what you deserve
but instead i’ll keep quiet
i’ll curl into bed
and sleep my god damn life away
until gentle gusts of wind
make my curtains dance and
softly tickle my toes

“I haven’t smiled since”

I sat in my garage
and cupped a hot mug
in my hands and closed
my eyes and felt my breath
twist with the soft melodies
coming from the rectangle
resting on my lap
when I opened my eyes
I stared across the table
at the empty chair
and I smiled
and I kept smiling
you were sitting there
two feet away
smiling at me
I got shy and I 
looked at my knees
still smiling
when I lifted my head
you were gone and

the affair

I don’t love you, sweetheart        I never did

I just wanted someone     to touch          me

and make it easy             to keep my secret

hid         far away from my                misses 

and desperately                 out of your sight

                I’m                          sorry

I did what I did but              I was drunk and

lonely                     that                        night.